Diary for my children - You can be whatever you want to be!

1/27/13

One day you'll read this, but until then, stay strong and grow. Be happy with what you know. There is some other stuff that you don't know now, but we'll go over that later, and I will never be mean about it. I tried and tried with all of my heart and money and mind to get to see you sooner, but that didn't work out. One thing you'll learn in life is that things don't always work out like we want, but that's cause there's a bigger plan out there, and if you trust in it, you'll get more than you can conceive of at the time when you're mad about not getting what you want. But that's not a lesson for a 3 or 4 year old, so us adults probably just look and act strange to you now. We'll just keep smiling and holding you until you get it.

So you'll hear how you can be anything you want to be in your life, and this is mostly true, but there's a part that you won't hear from most people. Let's say that in your head there is this little voice that says "I want to be a juggler" or something very silly like that. Well most adults will say "that's nice" and pat you on the head. But then when you say "I want to be a scientist," they'll say "Yay! that's so awesome, you are such a good boy!!" OK, so you won't really be able to understand that how I understand it for a while, but just understand this. You can be anything you want to be. But it's harder to be some things than other things, and parents don't want life to be hard for you. They don't want to see you sad or discouraged. They love to see you smile, because they/we love you.

So, for example, let's say I only had two choices in life: A juggler and a scientist. I tried and tried to be a scientist, and I worked hard, and you know what, I got to be a scientist! But, I knew from when I was a very little boy that I wanted to be a juggler. I knew it every day. I knew I was born to be this thing, and people sad "that's nice, but you're such a good scientist!" And then eventually I was very sad because I never got to do my favorite thing in the entire world.

So one day, I said "you know what! I'm going to be a juggler! I don't care what people think, it's who I have to be!" But I knew that people would be very sad that I really wanted to be a juggler, because that's not what people like me are supposed to want to do. And they were sad for me because they didn't want to see me struggle. They didn't want to see me sad. But I was more sad from not doing it. I had to do it, and I was also very sad in this decision, because I loved the people that were around me, and some of them were so sad that they didn't want to talk to me again. It was a very hard decision, but I just knew in my heart what I had to do.

I thought it would be OK to be a juggler. I thought I could still have the people around me that I loved and do what I wanted to do, but that didn't work out. Some people stopped talking to me because of what I decided. But you know what? Some people liked me and loved me even more! I made new friends every day that helped me out with becoming a juggler. They picked me up when I fell down, and became some of my best friends!

But the hardest, saddest part is that I didn't get to see you guys as much as I wanted. Some people didn't want you to see that you can do whatever you want in life. Then you might get to thinking the same way, and that is very scary, and they don't want to see you sad. They after all love you very much and want to see you happy.

So this is what I was talking about with life not always working out the way you want it to. But I learned a very important lesson when I decided to do what I wanted to be, to be a "juggler." I learned that if you smile a lot and thank everyone else around you and cry if you need to and give all of the love you get back to someone else, things will work out and you will be happy.

I want to see you both with all of my heart, but I can't right now. It's too scary to some people that love you, and they built a wall that I can't get around or over. I tried to get over the wall to see you, but I got very tired and had to stop for a while. Now I'm hoping that the wall will be broken down, or I can build a big enough ladder to get over it. I don't know how I will do it, but I will do it when the time is right. And know in your heart that I am with you every day, smiling behind your back, cheering you on. And the funny thing is that I really hope you choose to want to be a "scientist," because I don't want to see you sad like I sometimes am.

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